Dear Daddy

You know the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with this year is not the financial constraints, accepting that sometimes not everthing goes your way, it was not realising that you still have alot to learn in an ever changing work environment, it was not watching your sisters go through the most and not be able to help them, it was not having to deal with negative people, thoughts and words.

But it was having to deal with all those thoughts all at once, having to feel all those emotions simultaneously and at times all together, finally giving in to pain that I have ignored for so long, finally taking off the mask, looking in the mirror and be faced with the ugly truth, a story of love not found, love given and never reciprocated, love rejected, love refused.

The internal conflict where you tell yourself “his going through it he will come back to his senses, his only human, he loves you”.

And the other side of me replying with a simple question.

A question that seems to linger with no answer.

How does he love me/us?, how did he love me, how was love shown?

An interview that I watched where Tyler Perry was talking about his father really hit me hard and to this day I still find it difficult to answer myself.

He was asked how his relationship with his father was now and he said “when I was younger he made sure that we ate and that we had a roof over our heads and now in his old age I make sure that he is fed and that he has a roof over his head”. That resonated with me because even in all his flaws the good that his dad did was now being reciprocated but what would I reciprocate in the mans all old age?

Giving rise to the question how did you love me?

Was it when you basically made sure that we had no roof over our heads?

Was it when it didn’t bother you weather we had food on the table or not?

Was it when you couldn’t care less about weather we were clothed or not even in the harshest of winter weather ?

Was it when you constantly show cased how good life without your kids was?

How did you love me?

I hate how I’m still feeling these feelings but I never had the time to cry about it or make sense of it all, I never had the time to break down and slowly start to rebuild because I was too busy trying to fill your shose, trying to make sure that my siblings didn’t feel the void, too busy being a sister, a partner and a dad to your kids.

I now find myself in grief for a love that was never there asking the question why do you hate me so much that you had to replace me?

Long forgotten…

Silent partner to this thing called parenting, distant father.

Lol funny because you’ve always been distant so what am i really longing for?

You dont love me and you never did. Im just tired of making excuses for you.

I am done trying, this is not my cross to carry, I am not the one who messed up so why should I be the one to fix things?

Your the parent not me…

Im sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow but in order for things to get better, in order to heal one needs to take their medicine no matter how bitter the taste might be.

In order to heal one needs to finish the course.