Hey you

Crazy how as I say that I ask myself if that’s too friendly of a greeting

I don’t want to be nice

I don’t want to consider your feelings

I don’t want to understand

I don’t need an explanation

Because that’s always been your way of taking my feelings and using it as a tool to abuse me

Mentally manipulated

Emotionally battered

I ask myself what life would have turned out to be for you if I wasn’t there

If I didn’t listen

If I didn’t understand

If I didn’t cry

If I didn’t try

If I didn’t stay

Would it have hurt me this much?

Would I be walking around looking for an inconsistence, selfish, manipulative, self-centered version of you in every many that wishes to love me

I promised to never love the same

To never give the same

To never touch the same

To never kiss the same

But does that not mean that you win?

I sit and remember the times we shared

The times you took advantage of me

The times you made me believe that my feelings weren’t valid

The times I felt lonely when with you

The times you rejected me

The times you broke me down to a less confident version of myself

And I hurt

My heart breaks all over again

My tears resurface

I ran out of breath just one more time

I feel like running and hiding

I feel ashamed

I feel dumb

I feel cheated

And I think to myself what on earth did I do to deserve that level of mistreatment

Then I realize

I was not the problem

It was you…

I can’t wait for the pain to fade

I can’t wait for this anger to disappear

I can’t wait till you and all the memories that come with you good or bad are a distant memory

I can’t wait to think about you and feel nothing

To the next girl you “love”

I hope he treats you better and more than anything I pray you have the strength to walk away when respect is no longer served and when you no longer feel safe,

I hope you remember to first love yourself because I didn’t

And to you my greatest hurt

This is how I take my power back

Healing26

Healing@27

Recovering from a narcissist

This chapter is called invite only and you are not welcome

You know the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with this year is not the financial constraints, accepting that sometimes not everthing goes your way, it was not realising that you still have alot to learn in an ever changing work environment, it was not watching your sisters go through the most and not be able to help them, it was not having to deal with negative people, thoughts and words.

But it was having to deal with all those thoughts all at once, having to feel all those emotions simultaneously and at times all together, finally giving in to pain that I have ignored for so long, finally taking off the mask, looking in the mirror and be faced with the ugly truth, a story of love not found, love given and never reciprocated, love rejected, love refused.

The internal conflict where you tell yourself “his going through it he will come back to his senses, his only human, he loves you”.

And the other side of me replying with a simple question.

A question that seems to linger with no answer.

How does he love me/us?, how did he love me, how was love shown?

An interview that I watched where Tyler Perry was talking about his father really hit me hard and to this day I still find it difficult to answer myself.

He was asked how his relationship with his father was now and he said “when I was younger he made sure that we ate and that we had a roof over our heads and now in his old age I make sure that he is fed and that he has a roof over his head”. That resonated with me because even in all his flaws the good that his dad did was now being reciprocated but what would I reciprocate in the mans all old age?

Giving rise to the question how did you love me?

Was it when you basically made sure that we had no roof over our heads?

Was it when it didn’t bother you weather we had food on the table or not?

Was it when you couldn’t care less about weather we were clothed or not even in the harshest of winter weather ?

Was it when you constantly show cased how good life without your kids was?

How did you love me?

I hate how I’m still feeling these feelings but I never had the time to cry about it or make sense of it all, I never had the time to break down and slowly start to rebuild because I was too busy trying to fill your shose, trying to make sure that my siblings didn’t feel the void, too busy being a sister, a partner and a dad to your kids.

I now find myself in grief for a love that was never there asking the question why do you hate me so much that you had to replace me?

Long forgotten…

Silent partner to this thing called parenting, distant father.

Lol funny because you’ve always been distant so what am i really longing for?

You dont love me and you never did. Im just tired of making excuses for you.

I am done trying, this is not my cross to carry, I am not the one who messed up so why should I be the one to fix things?

Your the parent not me…

Im sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow but in order for things to get better, in order to heal one needs to take their medicine no matter how bitter the taste might be.

In order to heal one needs to finish the course.

After and excruciating year

I felt my heart break for the first time and I’m not speaking figuratively to a point where I had to stop and breathe, the next thing I said after that was “Wow that hurt”.

The day my life changed
I was at my best and worst
I was happy and sad
Days were too long and nights were too short
I can’t even describe how excruciating and unbearable it is when emotional and mental pain turns into physical pain, I spoke to God, I prayed, I yelled, I cried, I questioned everything. Everyday was different. When I say I couldn’t breathe, I literally mean breathing was difficult.

I had to be honest with myself and understand that I couldn’t be around people, I couldn’t hold conversations, I was always in my head and emotions.

I had to take a step back and then one day
I started to laugh again
Dance again
Sing again
Believe again

For my mom to look at me and say my daughter is back… That made me realize that I really wasn’t in the best space.

Days are still different but I know it gets better… Because God is God and he is in control.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. It’s an issue of scarcity. I have run into a shortage of words. When the phone rings now, there’s nothing but a chirping repetition in my mind. A mimicry of the noise I should be making when I am, instead, entirely composed of silence. My […]

early winter — rarasaur

La_Bella

Its been a while since iv posted something and to be real, using the classics South African phrase “ndiya goisha” which basically translate to ,I’m going through a lot so please bare with me .

I have not forgotten about you, this is something I wanted to do for so long, its a dream iv had for the longest time so lets ride the wave together.

This doesn’t mean that I have not been writing ,I just haven’t published.

I found that sometimes its good to go through something in silence.

This gives you time to feel all your feelings no matter how mixed and short lived they may be but feel then whole heartedly, process your thoughts and finally heal, and when you’ve done this it becomes a bit easier to talk about the experience.

I have gone through at least three major phases in my life, thorns underneath the rosebush, in the life of a rose and now withered rose.

You may have noticed that I make a lot of reference to rosses and that’s purely because the rose is my favorite flower.

I connect to the rose in a way that’s different to many other flowers, So I started to read more about roses and let me tell you what I found was so interesting and I couldn’t help but find similarities between myself and roses.

Bellow ill share a few fun facts that I learnt about roses that make this flower a symbol that reminds me of who i am and what i stand for and more often then not why I feel like I share the same struggle as the masterpiece that is the great rose.

“In Greek mythology, roses originated from Adonis, the deity of plants and rebirth. Adonis was born from a deceptive union between King Theias and his daughter Myrrha. When King Theias realized that his daughter had tricked him, he chased her with his sword. To protect Myrrha, Aphrodite transformed her into a tree.

King Theias shot the tree with an arrow, splitting it in half. It was from this tree that Adonis was born. Aphrodite took to Adonis and raised him like a son. As Adonis grew, he became an avid hunter. One day while he was hunting, Adonis came across Ares, one of Aphrodite’s past lovers, who was disguised as a wild boar. Ares attacked Adonis and when Aphrodite heard his screams, she ran into the forest and found him dying. The blood that ran from his wounds hit the ground and turned into roses.

In another version of the tale, red roses originated when Aphrodite was running to Adonis’ side, cut her feet on the thorns of the flowers, and stained them red.

Rose Meanings

Roses are most associated with love and romance.

• Roses can also mean secrecy or confidentiality. The term “sub Rosa”, meaning under the rose, comes from ancient times. Romans would hang roses from the ceilings of banquet halls, and it was understood that anything said under the influence of wine was to remain confidential.
• In the Middle Ages, roses were also hung from the ceilings of meeting rooms. It was understood that everyone under the roses was sworn to secrecy.
• Roses are also used on four tarot cards. The Fool, the Magician, the Strength card, and the Death card. On the Fool, the white rose symbolizes purity and is a reminder to cleanse the mind. On the Magician card, it signifies unfolding wisdom. On the Strength card, the rose represents balance. And on the Death card, it’s a reminder of purity, clarity, and transparency of intent.

A rose’s symbolism varies by the colour of the rose and how many roses are given.

• Red roses symbolize: love and romance and are the perfect Valentine’s Day rose.
• Pink roses symbolize gratitude, grace, admiration, and joy.
• Orange roses symbolize enthusiasm and passion.
• Yellow roses symbolize friendship.
• White roses symbolize innocence and purity.

Though in most cases, roses are tied to love, you can send a specific romantic message by the number of roses you send.

• One rose symbolizes love at first sight.
• Two roses symbolize shared and deep love.
• Three roses say, “I love you”.
• Six roses say, “I want to be yours”.
• Seven roses say, “I’m infatuated with you”.
• Nine roses symbolize eternal love.
• Ten roses say, “You’re perfect”.”

Interesting right how can one flower mean so many things to different people ?

Isn’t this a lot like life, society expects you to be perfect in all aspects of your life as a mother, a daughter, a sister. a friend, a lover , an employee and depending on how much people get of you and your time that tends to be the determining factor to your importance in there life or vis versa.

I used to know a girl

She believed in love in its purest form

She believed that it was possible to get the kind of love that she saw in movies

She had no problem giving of herself to make sure that those she loved were ok

She was a lover

She did so effortlessly what others consider a burden.

This young lady was love, grace and strength personified

This girl was me

But now she’s gone

With the young man that crept in the dark her heart turned to stone

With every word of criticism her smile faded

With every shut up her eyes filled with tears making sorrow her only constant companion.

But maybe this girl didn’t really know herself because she came to meet herself through the eyes of the man that said I love you.

This girl found that she was vindictive, manipulative, heartless, senseless, unworthy, disposable and hard to love with a victim mentality.

How do I express how I feel without playing the victim?

How do I live a life I believe I need without ditching those close to me?

How do I tell the truth without being so dishonest?

Well I guess I can’t because no matter what I do ill always be the cold-hearted girl who you still choose to keep in your life.

Constantly being let down yet expected to crave you the same.

Expected to keep the same energy when I’m constantly criticized

Expected to speak up when I’m told to shut up.

Disrespected, unappreciated, used, abused, refused but not

I’m tired

I’m exhausted

I’m hurt

There is no more left of me to give, to explain, to cherish.

I lock myself in my room with teary eyes, snotty nose, red cheeks, unable to breath distraught

and I scream to the top of my lungs

I HATE YOU!!!

Yet I don’t.

La_Bella

Firstly, let me start by thanking you for joining me on my journey of self-expression and using that voice I’ve been given to send a message, bring awareness and at times encourage you to keep keeping on.
My Name is Khanyisa Nkohla and I come to you as a sister, daughter, partner and friend. When I decided that I wanted to start a blog I was asked what would I be blogging about and I found this question difficult to answer not because I did not know what I wanted to talk about but because I have many topics and issues that I want to address, I mean, I want to treat this blog as a platform where we can come together and discuss the many obstacles we face as women.

My passion is woman and building strong and united females that stick dominate in their individual spaces. I want our girls to understand that they are beautiful and together we form a beautiful rose bush.

Let’s talk about the thorns underneath the rose bush, we fall more times then we can count, we go through stages of stupidity and desperation, we lose our self-worth, we are confused, we are lost, and we all feel used at some stage in our lives,These are the thorns we carry on our stems.

Let’s take a leap of faith, let’s talk, lets encourage each other.
Join me as we tackle the different aspect in the life of a rose.

You might be wondering why I addressed you as La-Bella in the beginning of my introduction. La Bella is of the Latin origin (La Bella, Labella) literally means ‘the beautiful (female)’

Darling Reign xoxo

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton