Deconstructed me

I used to know a girl

She believed in love in its purest form

She believed that it was possible to get the kind of love that she saw in movies

She had no problem giving of herself to make sure that those she loved were ok

She was a lover

She did so effortlessly what others consider a burden.

This young lady was love, grace and strength personified

This girl was me

But now she’s gone

With the young man that crept in the dark her heart turned to stone

With every word of criticism her smile faded

With every shut up her eyes filled with tears making sorrow her only constant companion.

But maybe this girl didn’t really know herself because she came to meet herself through the eyes of the man that said I love you.

This girl found that she was vindictive, manipulative, heartless, senseless, unworthy, disposable and hard to love with a victim mentality.

How do I express how I feel without playing the victim?

How do I live a life I believe I need without ditching those close to me?

How do I tell the truth without being so dishonest?

Well I guess I can’t because no matter what I do ill always be the cold-hearted girl who you still choose to keep in your life.

Constantly being let down yet expected to crave you the same.

Expected to keep the same energy when I’m constantly criticized

Expected to speak up when I’m told to shut up.

Disrespected, unappreciated, used, abused, refused but not

I’m tired

I’m exhausted

I’m hurt

There is no more left of me to give, to explain, to cherish.

I lock myself in my room with teary eyes, snotty nose, red cheeks, unable to breath distraught

and I scream to the top of my lungs

I HATE YOU!!!

Yet I don’t.